Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.