Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order