Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.