Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

Mike is short for Micycle

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can