Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.