Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Florida be like…
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral