Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you