Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

ㅤ

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!