Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.