serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
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You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT