Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
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Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.