Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
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ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public