Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
This made me chuckle.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.