Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
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I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?