*serious situation*
My brain:
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Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.