Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there