*serious situation*
My brain:
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.