Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
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Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
In banana years, I am bread.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.