Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
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Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Canada has crack?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
