Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

One of the best

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.