Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
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Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring