Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
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I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
