[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
You Might Also Like
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Boating season is upon us.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Smells like a challenge to me
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter