@KenJennings

SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can’t get out of this room

SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can’t get out of this room

- @KenJennings

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@nbadag

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

@LoveNLunchmeat

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

@E_lok44

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

@dumbbeezie

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

@CelebrityChez

I’ve found that it’s almost impossible to explain to a stranger why you are following them around trying to put egg rolls in their pockets.

@MomofTeen

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

@theshamingofjay

Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever.

Me: Really? Aren’t you married?

@flashember

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

@IAmKatieOrr

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.