SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can’t get out of this room

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stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them


Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.


I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.


Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!


Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce


Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.


Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.


Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It’s like a tattoo that yells at you


The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses