Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.