Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
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Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Finally
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Ain’t no way
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku