Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
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Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me trying to walk in a dream
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…