Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
We all have our pet causes.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over