Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
This will never not be funny 😭
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…