Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

fair

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake