Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
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*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”