Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.