Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Toxic snake

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)