Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

Vodka burrito was a success

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*