Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
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No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
japanese corn
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..