Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅