Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.