Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
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Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
multitasking lunch
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this