Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here