Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
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i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.