Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?