Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Roombas should bark
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”