Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“what that mouth do?” complain
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I think this might be relevant today.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.