Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.