Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My what?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
gentlemen, hear me out
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.