Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

cry laughing at this shit

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)