Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
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What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal