Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
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Welcome to the stomach
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.