Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
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Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.