Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.