Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.