Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
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landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great