Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

(more comics:

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

How high do the levels go?

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.