Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.