Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*seductively eats two tums*
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”