Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
You Might Also Like
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”