Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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These 3D printers are insane!
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Safety first
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Liquor Store Parking
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!