Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.