Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
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I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Awesome parenting 😂
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name