Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
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My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Breaking news:
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
No one can handle that
