Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
You Might Also Like
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Acronyms got me like WTF?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
playing pool? you mean swimming?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day