Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
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Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
This is so me 😂😂
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.