Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.