Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?