Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
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You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Noted.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks