Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Put my back out twerking in the library again
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?