Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
You Might Also Like
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping