Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
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if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
🤣
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason