Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
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Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
is it earth
