Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
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Rare photo of two submarines racing
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I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Lmao
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Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
#StillHurts
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I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
i prefer mine room temperature.
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*frowns in Scottish*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.