Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
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STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
the best thing i’ve ever made
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I put the h in mysterious.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.