Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
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I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
hand it over!
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*