Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
You Might Also Like
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Reporter: *ports again*
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Who’s drunk
*raises leg