seriously you guys
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER