Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no