Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III