Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
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strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
it must be school picture day
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you