Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

Introverted vegans go meetless

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

I’m sorry…what?

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}